My Mom: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
Me: “No, actually. I have no clue what I’m doing.”
My Mom: “That’s not very reassuring, Chan.”
Me: “I know. That’s why I’m doing it.”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. It’s simple really: things don’t change until you make an effort to change things.
And sometimes, in order to change things, you have to make decisions based on nothing more than gut instinct. You need to step off the ledge and believe that you can fly. Or, at the very least, trust that you’ll land in a soft place.
As much as I’d love to tell my Mother I have everything all figured out, I don’t. The last time I thought I had all my ducks in a row I was left standing in a pile of feathers So I say to hell with certainty. You can’t plan life. If you could, there would be no point to living. All you can do is move towards the things that matter and force yourself to do things differently.
I know that I can’t keep doing what I’m doing and expect things to just figure themselves out, as easy as that would be. What’s more, I’m tired of people telling me that, because I’m 27, I still have plenty of time to “get it right”, or “figure it out”, or worse yet, “find Mr. Right”. (No offence if you’re reading this Mr. Right; as lovely as I’m sure you are, finding you really isn’t at the top of my to-do list. With that being said, you’re more than welcome to come find me.)
Because, even though I might still be young, time is always shifting weight. No one is entitled to tomorrow. And, to be perfectly honest, I’ve got a lot more mistakes to make before I throw in the towel and finally get it right.
I don’t expect my Mom to understand that. I’m not entirely sure I understand it. But, in spite of the uneven odds, I’ll throw in my chips and raise the bet. This is the hand I’ve been dealt, after all.
Might as well see how it stacks up in the game of life.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
When it comes to life axioms, I often rely on my buddy Ralph. He’s the one that said life’s about the journey, not the destination. He recommended doing things that scare us. That we should never follow the beaten path, but forge our own trail. Emerson understood that you become the person you want to be, that nothing is achieved without enthusiasm, and that failure is fundamental. (more…)
Tomorrow I get to sign my divorce papers.
After the year from hell, one final signature will end this chapter of my life for good.
Even though the bleeding stopped long ago, I still feel a nagging pain in the pit of my stomach every now and again. A reminder that, even though the past has been forgiven, it can never really be forgotten. It happens at the strangest times; certain smells will bring back memories as clearly as if they’d happened yesterday; a song will make me tear up at a coffee shop; photos will bring back conversations long forgotten. (more…)